I thought they were over their craziness and we would be able to have a nice dinner. I was wrong. I told the kids to take their dinner plates to the table…then, while making a plate for me & Jerry, I hear a huge crash…a plate hits the floor…and Elijah starts screaming. Before I walk in there I immediately think, ‘FOR FU*K’S SAKE…I only made 3 pieces of chicken’ (you know, trying to serve the proper portions to everyone). I, then, expect to hear fighting about who is going to get the towel to clean it all up…but, NOOOOO…Elijah continues screaming. I run into the dining room to find Elijah sprawled out on his chair Superman style…chest against the seat, screaming and crying. (He wasn’t wearing a shirt). Meanwhile, Sophia is doing some sort of nervous laugh/cry. I immediately knew something was up; I just didn’t know what.
I lifted him up and saw that part of his chest was bright red so I took him into the cold shower to calm the burn. (Side note, the food had been in the crock pot for 8 hours…it was HOT!) As I’m frantically and pissedoffically (… yes, it’s my new word) trying to ask Elijah what happened, all he kept saying was, “it’s Sophia’s fault.” Meanwhile, Jerry finally came into the bathroom to see WTF was going on. I mean, a minute and a half had passed by now…where the hell had he been? Anyway, since he started helping Elijah, I went to find Sophia.
While I would like to say that I calmly said something like, “Hey, sweetie. What happened to Elijah?” My actual words were something to the effect of, well, a honey badger drill sergeant screaming, “Sophia, WTF did you do?” She replies, “I accidentally kicked the chair when I was yawning.” …..um, WHAT?! I give her an earful and she ran to her room.
Jerry got Elijah out of the shower. I cleaned up the mess and made Elijah another plate of food. Then, Jerry came storming around the corner and he was on a mission to talk to Sophia. However, he couldn’t find her. He called her name twice. Then, I heard, “Where the FU*K are you?” (Just picture an angry 6’4″ bald man searching for an 8 year old that hid somewhere in the house…it was actually quite funny.) She came out from wherever she was hiding and heard the wrath of Jerry. Now, I have to tell you, it sounds like things are crazy. But, by this time we knew Elijah would be ok…we just had to lay down the law with Sophia. And, I was actually in the kitchen, laughing, at this point. I mean, really. The event was absurd.
Jerry brought Sophia to the table then started to walk away. I ask where he was going. My pissedoffedness (….yep, another new word) had made me really hungry. I was ready to eat. Know what he said? “I’ve got to go back to the bathroom so I can finally wipe my ass…” So, THAT’S what took him so long to come see what was going on…
I lost it…laughing hysterically. The kids were confused. They didn’t know whether to laugh at Jerry or cry because of what happened.
Needless to say, lessons were learned tonight. A plate of food was ruined. We all lived. Everyone is calm now. Elijah’s chest isn’t red anymore and isn’t hurting him, thank goodness.
And, in case you’re wondering, Elijah had set his plate on the edge of the table, Sophia kicked his chair just as he was sitting down. Elijah lost his balance and the plate of hot food flipped onto his chest. He laid Superman style on his chair to try to wipe the food off of his chest.
How is your night? Anything exciting or absurd going on in your house?